Tribewanted: Vorovoro

It’s that time again for some Vorovoro broadcasting with Tribewanted Gapper FM in association with the almighty Hammock Society. And here today swinging away in the hammocks is a fellow tribe member who holds two world records. He arrived under the name of Rich but has since transformed into Dr. P.E. – the single, biggest threat to the Hammock Society yet…

Bula sia.

Let’s get some background information on my nemesis here. Age?

23

Occupation?

P.E. teacher.

How did you here about Tribewanted?

I found it on the STA website. I saw the little island and was intrigued so clicked on it.

Are you a faffafini (gaylord)?

No, although Tale (Team Fiji) wishes I was.

Now, I first met you Rich in Labasa town. You were wearing a dark blue t-shirt with some ‘buddha all seeing eyes’ embroiled upon it – I immediately recognized these from my time in Nepal and thought here’s a cool, enlightened chap. We popped out for a bit of lunch and you munched on some Mongolian beef. It wasn’t long into our conversation that my exercise radar went berserk and you were banned from the Hammock Society before even setting foot on Vorovoro – a world record. How did you feel?

I felt I’d been pigeon-holed, stereotyped and discriminated against. It set a personal challenge for me.

Yes, it certainly put some fuel on the fire. One week later, I return from town and you’ve gone and erected a gymnasium. Why, why, why?

That was one of my first priorities as the rugby season starts as soon as I get home. I even brought some equipment.

You what?

I brought a power bag and a skipping rope. When I spoke to Giles he already had plans and I helped bring them to fruition. We named it after you as a little jibe – The JIM-nasium.

Very amusing.

Maybe it’s your fate that you’re called Jim.

Did you know that many years ago I was a member to a gym?

No.

I only joined cos of a girlfriend at the time. It was crap, I hated it so I quit my membership but they said that I had signed a contract and had to give six months notice. So I wrote them a letter saying a saw two men in an act of aural fornication in the showers and refused to return under these circumstances. It worked. Genius eh?

Errrrr…

You see, I believe that gyms should remain outside, Vorovoro is as close to heaven as one might find on this planet and I ask you this: Do people exercise in heaven?

My heaven is not necessarily your heaven. Unlike you Jim, who’s been institutionalized by Vorovoro, I have to return to the real world and play rugby against some big lads.

What would happen if you stopped exercising while you were here in heaven?

If I stopped, all my hard work and training would be undone, plus I enjoy it.

You know, a child’s outlook on the world is very innocent and pure. The good book says “blessed are the children, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven”. Every single kid that has turned up here has embraced the Hammock Society fully – sometimes shoving cake into the mouths of exercise freaks. So… is exercise evil, the devil’s work?

No, it’s essential. Kids exercise by playing.

So why don’t you play?

I exercise so I can play for longer and at a higher level. All my exercising goes into playing, having fun and being healthy – that’s what it’s all about.

Are there plans to expand the Jim-nasium?

It looks a bit prehistoric, like something out of the Flintstones, we’ve focused on using materials found on the island.

Like rocks as weights for example.

Yeah, we’ve named the smallest, lightest one after you.

I’m touched.

It’s also has the best gym views. And the swimming pool is the biggest I’ve ever seen, but it’s a little salty and people keep on weeing in it.

It vexes me that the beautiful Pacific Ocean has been incorporated into your Jim-nasium.

And it needs a smoothie bar!

Hmmm, interesting…

We want to connect a bike to a blender to make smoothies for post gym nutrition. I’m in discussions with our Sustainability Manager but he’s busy with bio-gas, pooh and water projects.

I like the idea of transforming gym energy into something beneficial. You’re full of great ideas and wit, you’ve lured many Hammock Society members to the darkside. What tricks are you employing?

None, it’s you Jim, banning people all over the place. The Jim-nasium is all embracing, we welcome everyone, even those who ban us from the Hammock Society.

Look, the Hammock Society motto is ‘Chill out, don’t workout’, if people race the four peaks then they go against everything we stand for. It’s like wanting to be a vegetarian and still eating meat. You can’t do it.

What can you do?...

You can stroll the four peaks, soak up the beauty. Play sports like volleyball and football because that’s fun, swim in the aqua waters… but pull-ups in a gym styleee – leave the posing for the outside world. It fascinates me how people are obsessed with the way they look and what people think of them. I feel Vorovoro is a place that provides a break from that, a place free from the world of vanity and media bullsh@t.

I think you’re right. If the whole world was like that it would be a better place. But I need to prepare for the rugby season, I’m not the biggest so I need to keep the fitness up or otherwise I’ll get flattened.

It’s clearly evident that exercise is a big part of your life. Recently, you ran the four peaks and smashed Giles’ record – your second world record!

Yeah, I ran it in 28:50 on my second attempt after getting lost on my first. I ran it with Ben Keene, Giles was ‘hanging’ from the night before and dropped back, completing it at his own pace.

That’s an insane time! Can it be done any quicker?

I think we could get it down to 26 or 27 minutes but that would need teamwork – me, Giles and Ben motivating each other.

I believe you’re going to attempt the Vorovoro Iron Man Challenge this weekend. What is this craziness?

Run the four peaks and swim around the island without any flippers. My swimming is not great – I’m too heavy and I’ve previously dislocated both my shoulders, it’ll be the longest I’ve ever swam.

It sounds like agony to me.

I’m looking forward to the challenge.

You’re a mentalist. What’s your island experience been like?

It’s like a dream come true to be honest. I’ve always wanted to live on a desert island and be away from resorts and the western world a bit like Tom Hanks in Castaway. He had a volleyball called Wilson to keep him company on the film and I always used to say if I was to take one thing to a desert island with me it would be a tennis ball to keep me amused. So I brought one.

Does it have a face?

Yeah. When I was in India ‘n’ Nepal I made one up and I’ve been traveling with Wilson ever since – my traveling companion.

And finally, do you think that Vorovoro is better off without the Hammock Society?

No. It provides a lot of banter and fun, it’s very tongue in cheek. It provides you, Jim, with a purpose on this island.

It certainly does. And now Tui Mali has joined the Hammock Society! Yes yes. You’re gonna need to call the ghostbusters to exercise now Tui and the ancestors are Hammock Society. The Project Director of year three is me… President of the Hammock Society… mwaaahahahahahaha… it seems your days are numbered Dr. P.E.! Any last words before I destroy you at chess?

Tui Mali is actually going to unveil the Jim-nasium.

What!!! Never!!!

I’m returning next year so I expect to see the gym still there, a little worn from all the use. And it needs to be placed on your Vorovoro map!

Aaaargh, you strike me where it hurts! My precious artwork is promoting your nonsense. You truly are a danger to the Hammock Society. Curse you Dr. P.E.!!!